One of my favorite bloggers, Emma over at Emma's Thing recently posted about her top moments of 2012. Notably, it wasn't a list of her top fantastic moments, it was a list of the moments that defined the year. Her simple yet thoughtful list got me thinking. And, I credit my bff for bringing it to my attention because Emma's list resonated with some profound moments in my year too. I also credit good ole' Facebook for highlighting my year as well. So, here we go.
1. Independent Adventures
I'm proud of seeing places that I have wanted to see and just booking tickets, jumping in my car and jetting off. I said "yes" to so many things this past year. I went to Breckenridge to see the mountains, camp outdoors and laugh with a best friend. I ventured to many weddings with out a plus one and did just fine. Nashville got hit once again, a sisters trip to Vancouver and back to Arizona. Every time I decided I wanted to go to the lake, I did just that without waiting for a partner in crime. I made independent decisions and followed my pursuits of adventure. I got out more, saw more, connected with friends, experienced parts of the city I had not yet seen. I'm also excited that 2013 has more in store: Arizona, Colorado and Austin all back to back. Also, my knowing that I can do anything I want to do because I can. I'm young and healthy and fun times are a callin'.
2. Tackling Change
My life is a complete 180 from where it was a year ago. A year ago I had a roommate, a boyfriend, paid 1/2 as much rent, had a comfortable income, a perceived career plan that is vastly different now and no graduate school. From January, 2012 on I started each day with a clear realization that my life as I knew it was no longer the same. And it was scary as hell. Never before have I faced so much uncertainty and felt so vulnerable. Just when things would seem better, I would tumble again. There were many times when I pushed forward so quickly that I lost sight of my deep wishes because I was just trying to survive. Survival for many months was my only objective but in having such tunnel vision I lost so much direction and also lost the ability to just let go. The past year has been a ride of emotions and my friends and family are so amazing for supporting me through it all. I have accepted those that have been able to join me for the ride and those that were never really equipped to be a true friend. I let a lot go. I let go of plans, of expectations...of trying to figure out every next move of my life because I knew how quickly it could all change. Just as I would feel myself getting back into control mode something would happen to remind me that the control is not mine. I surrendered.
3. Yoga
Now, this is more recent. 2012 was an uphill battle of trying to hold onto my emotions through just avoiding everything all together by sleeping (i.e. watching Tivo) days away, keep everything in so tight like a freaking corset, or sprinting so hard on the treadmill that I almost passed out for some sort of release. No balance. I would go on spurts and then resign to being too busy for the next 2 months. Then, I got back in touch with yoga. Yoga was always a practice that scared the shit out of me because I am just not that good. I'm flexible but I'm competitive so I like to do things where I can look around and grin a big ass Grinch grin and my inner monologue is all like "yea, gurl, you kicked their asses, you da bomb" (yea, my fitness ego is ghetto). So I stayed away from yoga because yoga is so.not.that. That was until one day (see #2) I realized that in order to grow I need to face my fears. So, my yoga practice started back up and although my ego gets bruised, my energy is glowing. Ugh I sort of hate myself for saying that line but in all fairness, yoga has allowed me to center myself, challenge myself in awesome ways and allow for some more spiritual awakenings.
4. Finding the Universe
I've never been religious or faithful, really. But funny things happen when you land on your ass pretty suddenly and the whole world is really freaking frightening...you start looking for guidance. Reading The Daily Love became a routine for me this year and really allowed for some profound spiritual growth. I also read The Secret. It was my readings that I allowed myself to accept that I am, at this very moment, exactly where I am supposed to be. I also have been able to see that letting go is the best way to live my life and it's the most liberating feeling. I stopped counting calories once and for all. I stopped trying to think about 1-2-5 years ahead, hell, even 2 months ahead. I allowed things to manifest around me. All I had to do was think positively and trust in the process - trust that everything will happen as it is supposed to. In doing so, I have landed back at a job that is absolutely the best fit for me with the best managers I could ask for. I have found a passion in vegetarianism and explore veganism and have never been healthier or freer in my diet. I somehow am able to do all the things I want to do even with a part-time salary and full-time graduate school work load. I have discovered that my original graduate school path wasn't the best fit and allowed myself to explore other paths. I have allowed for movement because I am open to whatever comes my way.
5. Loving Me
Wow, this one has not been easy. I was in a relationship for 3.5 years where every moment was spent loving someone else and ensuring the love in our relationship was enough - enough to keep us going, enough so that he'll want to spend more time with me, enough to withstand the hard times, enough so that he'll never leave. I gave and gave. I also gave and gave our dog. I love my dog, Nellie, but there have been countless times when I sacrifice things that I love and will make me better for her. I do the same for my family and friends. I put so much in and am disappointed when it is not returned. But what I was missing was taking care of ME. No one was ever going to truly love me unless I loved me first. That means being okay being alone- accepting what alone really means. Not that I'm lonely because I am single. No, it means being comfortable spending days and nights with myself. Being comfortable sharing company with only me because I enjoy me. It means forgiving myself. Forgiving my imperfections and accepting my mistakes. Unconditional love starts at the core - it starts with me.
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